Thursday, July 8, 2010


Thursday, April 22, 2010

The good, the bad, the ugly...

Yeah, I seem to have let go of that blogging bug I caught....just a quick update:

The good: I've lost 7 lbs. in the past 2 weeks

The bad: I haven't been on the treadmill once in said past 2 weeks

The ugly: My sister's wedding is in 6 weeks.

Friday, April 9, 2010

My reflection

I was reading a post that Olivia at But You Have Such a Pretty Face made yesterday, and it got me thinking. It's about positive self affirmation and she talks about how she looks at herself in the mirror and tells herself positive things. I thought, "Hmm, I need to do that."

But because I am too lazy to stand in front of the mirror long enough to appreciate all the good things about me, I took a picture so I could upload it on my computer and stare at it there.

And yes, I am brave enough to post it here for you all to see. (I know you're like, super excited.)

I'm sorry for the fact that its so dark, but when I tried to take it with the flash, there was just a big huge light in the middle of the mirror. You can click to enlarge. If you dare.

And yes, my bathroom (and kitchen for that matter) is bright turquoise. That's what happens when you buy your first house at 26 and you get to make your own decorating decisions. And then after about a year of looking at it everyday, you think you maybe should have chosen something a little less bright.

Back to the point of my ramblings, I took the photo, uploaded it, and stared at it for a good five minutes.

And every thought I had was about the physical. Obviously, (feel free to roll your eyes) I have great hair. Its long and thick and after years of the most tragic dye jobs you've ever seen, back to its natural color. My eyes are okay. Lips are okay, too. My nose is too big.

When I think about how I feel about this reflection, I just think "fine". I feel fine about it. Not overly excited, but not dissatisfied with it. I just see me.

Granted, this is not a full body shot, and if it had been, it would have been a totally different story. I rarely feel fine when I look at my body. But I feel better than I used to. And sometimes I do look at the way I look in a certain dress or whatever, and I have a hard time believing that I look okay. Not overly fat. Not gross. Just okay.

I look forward to the day when I can look at my entire self in a mirror and the words fine, okay, average, regular, don't cross my mind. Instead they will be replaced by much more positive words.

But I figured out that I don't need to look in a mirror and tell myself the most important things: That I'm a good person, who passionately loves her family & friends, tries to be compassionate towards others, has a few things that she's good at, and truly knows what is most important in life.

I know all those things without looking in a mirror. Which I guess is a pretty strong arguement for the fact that looks shouldn't matter. That the worth of someone is not, or should not be, based on how they look. I know that. I've always known that. But it doesn't change the fact that I want to look hot in my bridesmaids dress.

I believe in self affirmation. But I don't necessarily need it. Because I know the most important things about me. I truly believe them and don't question them at all.

In fact, about the only thing I do question about myself is that damn reflection. But I'm questioning it less and less these days. And when I'm exercising daily and eating healthy, I rarely question it. I know that its not the most important thing about me. It doesn't make me who I am. The things that do cannot be seen in a mirror.

And that's my philosophical, emotionally charged, lovey dovey post for like, the decade.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

P.S. This makes four days in a row of blogging. I think I am finally catching the bug!!!

Thursday, April 8, 2010


Last night I had the best dessert ever and it was filling, decadent and low in calories & fat.

Check that bad boy out. It was a Vitalicious Deep Chocolate Vitatop with about a tbsp of Better'n Peanut Butter spread on top. Then I put it in the microwave for 20 seconds to melt the peanut butter, sliced five strawberries on top, and finished it off with some Reddi Whip chocolate whipped cream. The stats on it were about 190 calories (100 for the vitatop, 50 for the peanut butter, 25 for the strawberries and 15 for the whipped cream). This is normally more than I would "spend" on an after dinner dessert - usually I try to keep them around 100 calories, but yesterday was a light day otherwise, and I could afford the 190 calories.

Like I said, it was very filling and left me with the same feeling I would have if I ate a 1,000 calorie piece of chocolate cake - except there was no guilt!

I have to gush about the Vitalicious products. They are amazing. Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard of them, and if you haven't tried them, I suggest you do. They are a life saver in those moments where you want to stay on track, but need something sweet.

Also, Better'n Peanut Butter is great. It has 100 calories and 2.5 grams of fat for two tbsp. Its definitely an acquired taste, but will quench your craving for peanut butter. I've heard about their chocolate flavor, which I haven't had, but can't wait to get my hands on.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I have a dilemma. One of many in my life, but for now, I'll just concentrate on this one.

I really want to get a heart rate monitor. I have no idea how many calories I burn in my workouts, because I don't program my treadmill with my weight, etc. The fact that I am too lazy to program the machine in which I walk/run on for an hour everyday is something that should probably bother me, but doesn’t.

Anyhow, I just think a HRM would be a more accurate way to go, and I want to get as much credit for calories burned as possible. I have researched many different kinds, and even thought about getting a Nike+ because my shoes are Nikes, and have the little pouch or whatever you need.

That being said, I'm not sure if a HRM would be a healthy thing for me or not. I am, by nature, an all or nothing person. All. Or. Nothing. If I am off-plan with my eating, I am eating everything in site. If I'm on plan, I stick to 1100 calories a day and burn probably 600 a day. I am either really good or really, really bad. I realize that this is something that I need to work on, and not just say screw it for the day if I have a cheeseburger at lunch. This weight loss journey is all about moderation and a healthy approach to food. And despite a 60 lb. loss, I still don't think I have conquered that battle. I just managed to be good long enough to lose 60 lbs. I still have an unhealthy relationship with food, in that I put too much reliance on it and sometimes see food as the answer to all my problems. (Which it is so clearly NOT.)

My point to all this is that I am scared the HRM will make me crazy. Part of me thinks that I should stick to what I know works - working out for an hour a day, and keeping my calories in check. I know this works for me and is a healthy way. If I stick to this, I won’t get caught up on so many of the minutia details. I don't want the HRM to cause me to become obsessed with numbers. I'm afraid that I will use it as a way to justify bad eating or a way to justify eating barely anything at all. This is the way my brain sometimes works:

"Yes, I can eat this 600 calorie cheeseburger for supper, because I burned 600 calories on the treadmill today. So it breaks even, and the rest of the day I was good, so basically this equals to a day eating on plan, without exercise."


"I burned 600 calories on the treadmill today, and I only consumed 1100 calories, and my BMR is 1770 calories, so my calorie net for today is 1,370, which means that I should lose EXACTLY 2.74 pounds this week."

These thoughts lead to problems if 1) I lose less than 2.74 pounds that week and I am frustrated because the numbers prove I should have lost more or 2) I lose more than 2.74 pounds and I am frustrated because the numbers prove I should have lost less, and then I get mad because the system should work the way it says its supposed to and the way the numbers add up and how in the world am I supposed to get this weight loss thing right if the freaking science behind it is not making sense????

And obviously, the first thought leads to situations in which I am justifying a cheeseburger or pizza four times a week instead of the one that I normally allow myself.

Hopefully you can see why I think it may be a problem. But the other part of me really would like to know how many calories I am burning during my workouts because I would like to be more self aware and be knowledgeable about as much as I can during this journey.

So I don't know what to do. If there's anyone that reads this, now would be a great time to de-lurk and let me know your opinions/experiences with HRMs. And if you have read this entire post, bless you. Because I am awfully neurotic.

On a happier note, I have stumbled across two more blogs that I love. The first one is Kenz over at All the Weigh. She is incredibly optimistic, motivated, and has an amazing attitude. It took me the better part of two weeks to get through her archives, but I enjoyed every minute. Plus she has really good taste in shoes.

And through Kenz, I found Man Meets Scale. David Kirchhoff is the CEO of Weight Watchers International. I really like his blog because it is in incredibly funny and interesting, but also because it is nice to know that the CEO of the company is a Weight Watcher himself who has lost weight on the system and keeps it off. It’s also incredibly refreshing to hear about weight loss from a man’s point of view. And you don't have to be a Weight Watcher to enjoy his blog. I am not one (although I am currently in the midst of a three month online membership that I may or may not have purchased during an Ambien induced online shopping spree one night), and I love it as much as the next person.

I highly recommend you check out both of these.

Have a happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Just for the record

This stuff is not allowed in my house anymore. It is so good. Too good. And also good for you. However, it is not good for you to eat an entire box in about 3 days. So I can't buy it anymore. Which is a shame, because it tastes like the healthy girl's Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Bye, bye, Caramel Delight.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Hello, Biore......

This is a self portrait of Madeline and I at the egg hunt yesterday....I think its time for a pore strip.


I'm feeling a little crazy right now.....

because for the first time in about 10 years, I don't own a scale. Granted, up until about a year ago, I never really got on it, but I always owned it. And now I don't have one.

I officially threw my scale away because yesterday I got on and it said I gained 9 pounds. 9 pounds. In 4 days. I definitely did not have the best weekend for weight loss, but I know I did not gain 9 pounds. Like I suspected, that thing was broken.

So now I don't have one. I am planning on buying another one this weekend, and I know that there may be a little fluctuation, but I will not let it freak me out. Especially since I know the past couple of weigh-ins have not been entirely accurate.

It feels weird to know that if I wanted to get on it right now, I couldn't. Because its in my trashcan covered in yogurt right now. Where it deserves to be. Because anything that tells me I gained 9 pounds in 4 days deserves to be trashed.

Friday, March 26, 2010


So I jumped out of bed this morning, all excited for my weigh in. I've been totally on point this week and I knew it.

And I lost 6 ounces.

6. freaking. ounces. I could lose 6 ounces by shaving my legs.

I don't know why this happened. In general, my body always follows weight loss rules. I do the work, I get results. I don't do the work, no results. Which means none of those weigh ins where you magically lose 5 pounds and you have no clue why. However, it also means that if I follow all the rules, I can always bank on at least a 2 pound loss per week. At least. This was not so this morning. I have worked out everyday for the past week for at least an hour, and stayed within my calorie range.

I still have 10 days until my TOM, I haven't eaten anything very salty or sodiumy (yes, I just made that word up), so I can't fathom what's going on.

I kind of think my scale's broken. I know you are probably thinking "Yeah, Sarah, whatever.", but I really kind of think it is. I've had it for literally 7 years, and the other day I accidentally dropped it on the hardwood floors. I also probably move it around too much. If my clothes weren't so much looser, and I didn't actually look thinner, I wouldn't think this. But I do, so I'm thinking I'm going to have to invest in a new scale.

I don't seem to be the only one having this problem. And there's nothing we can do. We can't give up, so I guess we just have to Keep on Keepin' On...

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Just because....

This is a picture of my niece, Grace, while we were singing Happy Birthday at her party on Saturday. She brings a smile to my face every time I see her, so hopefully she'll bring one to yours. I literally could not love this child more than I do, and I cannot believe that she is already 6 years old!!!

Sorry, Miss O

I love, love, love me some Oprah. Although I don't always agree with all her opinions on politics, religion, etc, etc, I really do think she is a wonderful example of someone who has worked hard and truly uses her fame & fortune to change the lives of other people. Plus, there's something about the sound of her voice that is extremely comforting to me.

And since I work from home, I am generally able to watch her show every day. Which I love. But yesterday, Oprah brought me the first true NSV I feel like I've had in a long time.

I'm sure everyone has probably heard about Oprah's "No Phone Zone" campaign. Basically its about no texting or talking on your phone while you're in the car driving. And what started this campaign was a show she did about people who were killed by a driver who was texting. I am guilty of this sometimes, but lately I have been making myself put the phone down if I catch myself doing it. It is so true that you take your eyes off the road for 75% of the time you are texting. I'm really trying to make a point not to do this anymore.

However, for whatever reason, I missed the first airing of the show that started it all. And they were rerunning it for Oprah's show yesterday. Last week I saw the commercial and wrote myself a note to make sure and watch Oprah on Tuesday.

Well, yesterday rolled around. Work literally exploded in my face and I was busy all day. The next thing I knew, I looked up at the clock and it was 3:45. Oprah was about to come on. I had not worked out yet. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Yes, dear people, I skipped Oprah and worked out instead. Even though I really, really wanted to see that show. I wanted to see what inspired her to feel so passionately about this subject. But I didn't. I didn't see the show because I made the decision to work out instead.

After a few weeks of going through the motions to get back into my healthy lifestyle, I finally feel like my mentality has caught up. I am no longer just going through the motions. I worked out because I knew that if I didn't do it right then, I wouldn't do it. And I knew that I would feel much better last night if I had worked out. And you know what? I'm pretty sure Oprah would rather me have gotten my work out in instead of watching her show.

I've also noticed again how much daily exercise just naturally cuts my appetite. I haven't had that "I want to eat everything and anything regardless of my hunger level" feeling in a while. However, I did indulge in a little too much pizza and birthday cake at my niece's 6th birthday party on Saturday. But that's been it this week and I'm looking forward to my weigh in on Friday.

I'll let you know how it goes. I'm expecting good things.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Sarah -

Go get on the freakin treadmill.

You are completely dressed, running shoes on, and all you have to do is walk into the next room and hop right on.

Remember how you've worked out every day for the past 15 days? And how you feel 100% better than you did 2 weeks ago? You notice how your legs look stronger, you have more energy, feel better mentally, etc, etc, etc???

So what is the problem?

Yes, your house is a wreck. And yes, you have work to do. And yes, it is freezing and rainy outside and you really want to finish your book.

HOWEVER - did you see the back page of the newspaper today? The page that has your sister's engagement announcement on it?

Yep, that little dose of excitement means you have about 9 weeks before that wedding. You cannot afford to take days off from exercise just because you don't feel like it.

So go DO IT.


I did it. And felt great. Just once I'd like to feel crappy after exercise, so maybe I would have an excuse not to do it if I didn't want to.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I'm here....

My laptop crashed and I am dying. Not only do I need it for my blog reading, etc, etc, but I work from home and all my work was on that thing. It is at the computer doctor right now and I am praying that I won't lose everything.

Speaking of lose.....

I am down 6.8 lbs. Operation recommitment is in full force and working out well. I just got finished with a sweaty, nasty hour long workout on the treadmill. Hopefully I will have my computer back soon, and get back to reading your blogs and posting on mine.

Happy losing!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Flippin the switch...

After getting up early and doing some work this morning, I am just now finding time to update you on my "recommitment". Percy Jackson had nothing to do with that. Promise.

Anyhow, things have been going really well. It’s almost like a flip switched. I just decided to do it and now I'm doing it. I'm not foolish enough to think this ease will last forever. Probably by next week I'll be jonesing to skip my workouts and devour a pizza. But its true what they say - one good decision makes the next one that much easier, so I'm trying to continue to make good decisions. It’s weird because your body really does not forget. Between the endorphins from the exercise and the empty stomach feeling (I'm not starving myself by any means, but compared to what my stomach has been feeling lately, it does kind of feel empty these days), I keep thinking, "Yep, I remember this." I remember the light feeling and the general feeling of goodness.

Plus the mental aspect is so much better. Just knowing that I am doing something every day to contribute to my weight loss makes me so much happier and I don't constantly have that feeling of "I should do that."

Weigh in will be Friday, and I will let everyone know how it goes. (That's assuming you would actually care.) I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

I also have a recipe for black bean quesadillas that I really want to try out so I may do a post on that.

Have a great Monday!

Saturday, March 6, 2010


I told myself I wasn't going to get addicted to this series. I haven't even seen the movie, but I am a complete Twilight/Harry Potter addict (and yes, I am 30 years old) and I needed something to feed my addiction to addiction. So I started this book yesterday and am almost done with it.

I ventured out to Wal-Mart tonight to pick up the next two in the series. Let me tell you, the people that come out to Wal-Mart on a Saturday night (being in the south probably doesn't help), are a sight to be seen.

I am a ferocious reader and constantly looking for something new to read and this series should keep me occupied for the next week. Things are going really well on the weight loss front. I have been exercising religiously everyday and keeping my calories in check. I'll write more about that tomorrow. Percy's waiting!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Oh, yeah...

So now I remember why I have never counted calories before. It is a total pain in the ass. This morning it took me 15 minutes to find my tape measure so that I could measure my banana and determine through Calorie King how many calories it had. To me that is just a lot of work. But I'm going to give it a few more days. I am doing this mostly to get myself back on track, and once I do, I am going to quit the calorie counting. I just can't handle that much detail. I also think that I might have a tendency to become obsessed with the numbers, and I know weight loss is basically a numbers game, but I lost 60+ lbs. without counting, so I feel like its not something I have to do.

That being said, this is how today shaped up:


Yogurt - 100
Banana - 105
Serving of RF Wheat Thins - 130
Laughing Cow wedge - 35

Morning Snack:

Pear - 80
Serving Baby Carrots - 35
Roasted Garlic hummus - 140


Sandwhich Thin w/ turkey, Laughing Cow, baby spinach, mustard - 185
Cup of green grapes - 104


Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs - 310
Reduced Fat Ice Cream Sandwhich - 130

Total: 1,354

I also worked out on the treadmill for 60 mintues today. The Lean Cuisine is not something that I eat very often because the sodium scares me. However, I have been sitting on my couch all day with my laptop (I work from home), and I was just looking to fill my stomach because my eyeballs were hurting too badly for me to concentrate on putting together a meal.

I should also probably focus on getting more veggies in. Especially green ones.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


This picture pretty much sums up my entire day. I know - I have man feet.

This cold has taken over my body and I basically didn't get up all day long. I know I said I was going to count calories starting today but honestly, there was no point. I've probably had 700 calories the whole day, if that much. I can't taste anything, and I can't breathe with my mouth shut so chewing is miserable.

I'm hoping I'll be back on my feet by tomorrow. I just took a big gulp on Nyquil and am heading to bed. Goodnight!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Seriously.....Like, seriously.

Ok, After all the festivities of the birthday week, I weighed in this morning at 222.2. Seriously. This has got to stop. I am not going to sit here and tell you how I feel and what I think, because you have probably all been here before. But I can tell you that an extra 14 pounds does not a happy Sarah make, and I am ready to kick them to curb, plus more.

So I am recommitted today. I know exactly how to do this, and just because I have forgotten it in the past 2 months, doesn't mean I can't remember it.

One lovely nugget of information that I haven't mentioned yet is that my baby sister is getting married on June 4th. And I'm the maid of honor. And in May I am having breast reduction surgery. And I am not going to put myself under the knife and not make the absolute most of it. And the weight loss is definitely a big part of it.

And even though I am fighting the world's nastiest cold today, I have already managed to get in 45 minutes of heart pumping cardio. So that's a good start.

I have decided that I am going to document my food/calories everyday on the blog. I hate to do it because I feel like it may bore some, but I really need the accountability. And I will weigh in next Monday morning and let you know how much I am down.

Aside from obvious reasons, its really important to me to come back from this gain because it shows that my healthy lifestyle (and consequent weight loss) is an actual lifestyle, and that I am actually going to do this for real for the rest of my life, and not just long enough to lose some weight and gain it all back.

Please send lots of strong thoughts my way. I have a feeling I'm gonna need them!

Friday, February 26, 2010


One thing you may not know about me (considering none of you actually know me), is that I was and born and raised, and still am, a good Catholic girl.

I hope that doesn't cause any of you to stop reading.

While there are many things about Catholicism that I don't agree with (like....not using birth control), and don't practice, I feel like if I am going to call myself a Catholic, then I should at least practice those beliefs that I don't have a problem with. And one of those things is not eating meat on Fridays during Lent. If you'd like to know the exact reason why, please consult an expert. Because I am sure I could not get that story right.

At any rate, one of the things that really freaked me out during my first "healthy" Lent was how I was going to get around eating meat on Fridays. In the beginning, I was extremely strict and meticulous about what I was eating, and the ratio of protein, carbs, veggies, etc.

So I set out to find a source of protein that didn't interfere with my obligation to fast from meat. And I found these babies:

These Morningstar Farms Chik Patties Originals are heaven on earth for vegetarians and Catholics alike. I love a Chick-fil-a sandwhich as much as the next person, and these run a very close second for not being actual chicken.

Last Friday, I managed to eat three in one day. I ate one for breakfast on a piece of whole wheat bread, and it held me for hours. The stats:

140 calories
5 g fat
16 g carbs
2 g fiber
8 g protein

They are so so good. Trust me. And try them.

Even if you're not a good Catholic girl like me.

(P.S. I have no affiliation with Morningstar and received no incentive to post this and all that other junk. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say, but you get the picture.)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

30th birthday - 1, Sarah - 0

So last night was the first of the 30th birthday festivities. Pizza and beer. I skipped on the beer and ate 3 pretty big pieces of pepperoni pizza. I did blot the top, so that should count for something, right???? Yeah, not really.

Anyhow today is the actual day, and I am getting ready to attend a lunch, and then a dinner tonight, as well as lunch again tomorrow. Also, at some point this week will be dinner & the movies, with my actual party on Friday night. I really don't know how I even have a chance. However, I have decided no drinks. With the exception of maybe Friday night, because I probably won't be given a choice.

But other than that, no glasses of wine with dinner or margaritas with lunch. I don't really care that much about it, and it totally is empty calories that I can do without. Plus I am sticking with my healthy breakfasts, which maybe will cause me to eat less at lunch.

In the meantime, do your own celebrating and head over to Prior Fat Girl.

Jen is having a super awesome giveaway that will make you feel like its your birthday.

And please, if you've never read Jen's blog, start now. And make your way through the archives. She is such a soldier, not only in weight loss, but in life. I pray daily for her type of strength and grace. And I've never even met her! That should tell you something. Go read!!!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Weekend/Random Thoughts

This weekend was slightly exhausting and not so much "healthy". I woke up this morning feeling like a truck hit me, and spent most of the day on the couch eating bread (albeit whole wheat) & cheese. Then I went to my parents' house and consumed one too many Girl Scout cookies. So all in all, not the best weekend weight-loss wise.

I haven't really talked about how I have/am losing the weight, but its pretty much the traditional way. Low calorie & exercise. I have never counted calories, but from what I can tell, I stay between 1100-1400 on a "good" day. As far as exercise, I have become a cardio junkie/gym rat/treadmill slave. I usually power walk/run for an hour each day, sometimes more if I'm feeling especially energetic. One of the things that I think is causing my inability to get back on track is the fact that I am totally burnt out on the treadmill. I have my own at home, which is great, but it can be stifling at times. Sometimes just thinking about going into that small room (I keep it in my home office), and getting on that machine with all that stagnant air is enough to make me want to bury myself under my couch cushions.

Because of this, I am trying to convince myself that not every workout has to be 60 minutes slaving away on that machine. Today it was a delicious 66 degrees outside (I live in SC, where February 21st is definitely the beginning of spring), and since I was feeling less than 100%, I convinced myself to take a power walk outside instead of puffing away on the treadmill. I walked at a pretty brisk pace for a good 50 minutes in the sunshine. I was sweating at the end. Yet somehow I feel like I can't give myself credit for working out today. I really have to get away from this mentality that if I don't get in an hour of treadmill time, then I really haven't had a good day activity-wise. I think maybe the solution to this is try new things. Tuesday I am going to my first kick boxing class, and I've heard from a friend who takes it that it is tough. I am looking forward to it, and am purposely not going to let myself get on the treadmill that day. An hour of kick boxing is more than enough to suffice for my exercise for the day, and I need to make myself believe that. This all-or-nothing approach that I have can be great when I am focused, but not so much when I need a little wiggle room. Hopefully it won't take me another 30 years to learn that lesson. Which leads me to the next random thing.....

Tuesday is my 30th birthday. I know, I KNOW. I thought I would be sad, and maybe a little disappointed when I reached 30, just because I (used to) feel like it is old. However, I have to say that I really kind of have an indifferent attitude about it. I would have never in a million years thought that I would reach the age of 30 and be not married & without children. Probably because my entire life (besides the weight issue) has been very traditional; I just assumed that like all good southern girls, I would be hitched by the age of 25, at least. However, saying that, I am okay with it. I know these things will come when they are supposed to, and right now, I am working on me. I don't know that I have the time or the desire to devote to forming a relationship right now. So that's that. I am happy to be 30 - I know many people who have tragically never made it to their 30th birthday. That in and of itself is enough to make me grateful for the milestone. The fact that I am at a lower weight than I have been ever in my adult life is just the icing on the birthday cake. I do have to say that I will be relieved when all the hoopla is over - I have parties, dinners out, dinners in, etc. scheduled all week, and I am concerned about what it may do my eating plan. Hopefully I will stop & think before shoving copious amounts of appetizers, alcohol, and cake into my mouth. We will see....

This is a photo taken of me last night at a charity auction that I attended. I am second from the right. The two ladies on the outside are my sisters, and my aunt is the one beside me.

(Is it weird to post random photos of yourself on your blog? I hope not, and if it is, I promise it's because there's a point to it.)

And that point is, that a year ago I would have looked at this photo and been thrilled to bits with it. I almost wouldn't have recognized myself. I lost a lot of weight in my face, and it makes all the difference. However, this morning I looked at it, and thought, "Meh....whatever". I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I could more appreciate how far I've come. However, all I see is the shadow of a double chin, the crease in my neck, the chubbiness of my cheeks, and boobs that look like they need their own zip code. Not to mention the fact that this photo shows none of my body, and I'm wondering how I would feel about the picture if it did. I hate this part of the weight loss game; the mental is really what's killing me. Before I lost weight, I totally ignored the way I looked. I would see myself in pictures, looking really big, like maybe this one:

and just not think anything. I'm sure subconsciously I was thinking, "God, I look huge. Really need to do something about that.", but it never weighed on me (no pun intended), like it does now. It's almost as if I can't appreciate the differences, and the self sabotage is worse than ever. Saying that, I do know that I look pleasant enough in the picture, and that probably even if (WHEN) I get to my goal weight, I will always nit-pick myself in photos. Sometimes I just really wish I could look at a picture of myself, and remember what was going on at that time, and the fun memories associated with the photo, rather than how I look in it. I suppose that will come with time; I really hope that it does.

As I was spending one on one time with my couch today, I caught up on the stack of newspapers that I have been accumulating all week. I opened up a page, and this headline jumped out at me. It was from a Dear Heloise type column, and it totally had nothing to do with me or my kind of situation, but it jarred me. So I cut it out and taped it to my kitchen cabinets. Not because I feel like it will keep me from opening them (although that would be an added plus), but because it is a prominent place. I feel like I need to constantly remind myself to be careful with what I'm doing. To make sure I am vigilant about what I'm doing. And part of me feels like I focus on it too much. Like all the obsessing about what I'm eating and how much I'm moving makes it harder. But then part of me thinks, I really do need to be careful. The fact of the matter is that I gained 12 lbs. between Thanksgiving & New Year's. At one point in this journey, that would have made me a nut job. And it still does, on some days. I am scared to death that I won't re-lose those 12 lbs. or the additional probably 50 that I need to lose on top of that. That means I really need to lose as much as I've already lost. Which is so overwhelming some days. And I feel like I can't do it. However, I haven't given up, and I'm still making it a priority part of the time. I need to practice more positive thinking.

And last but not least, I leave you with this photo of my fireplace. I bought this poster about a year ago, and its apparently an old slogan that the British military used during their times of war. I have to look at this poster six times a day and just remind myself to "Keep Calm & Carry On". To not freak out about the little things (or the big things, like gaining 12 lbs.). To trust myself & know that I have learned more about myself in the past year than I ever knew before. To believe that I WILL lose the rest of this weight and be healthy. To Keep on Keepin' On, no matter what.

Whew, that was a long one. I guess maybe this whole 30th birthday thing has got me feeling a little nostalgic and philosophical. Maybe I should stay away from the keyboard until it's over. At any rate, if you've read this far, bless you!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Force of Habit

When people ask, I always say that the biggest key to being healthy is force of habit. The more you eat right, the easier it is; the more times you go to the gym in a week, the easier it becomes the next week. I really feel like willpower has very little to do with it.

I can see already that the whole force of habit thing is going to be the same for blogging - I figured I would be able to think of a million things to write about and want to do it multiple times a day. But not so much. It's not that I don't want to - just that I can't really think of things to write about or find the time. I guess that could be a problem considering I'm less than a week in!

Anyways, things are going pretty good on the weight loss front. Been getting in my workouts everyday, and eating good, whole foods. Tomorrow I'm having lunch at a Mexican restaurant, and I always order the fajitas, which is fine, but keeping my hand out of that chip bowl is a challenge. One of the things that I haven't quite learned on this journey is how to let things go. I feel like I'm already beating myself up mentally for the fact that I know I'll probably eat way too many chips tomorrow. You'd think it would be easier to either a) not overeat the chips, or b) realize that rarely do I eat Mexican and its okay to splurge every once in a while. But that would be way too rational for me. It would be nice if my brain had an on/off button that I could push every time I wanted to rake myself over the coals for something.

Tonight is going to be an early night. I haven't felt all that great today, and I'm not sure why. I am cooking a quick supper and then going to settle down on the couch with my book and Ambien.

(Side note....I know there are a million people out there that think taking Ambien is dancing with the devil & I used to be one of them. I'm generally pretty strict about what I put in my body, but this is my one exception. As someone who has suffered from insomnia all of her adult life, I can certainly tell you that taking this pill every night is better than running on 2 hours of sleep per day.)

On tonight's menu is buffalo shrimp. I buy these from the Store-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (Wal-Mart), and throw them in a skillet with some olive oil. You can have like a million for 100 calories. Once they're cooked, I toss them in some buffalo wing sauce. So good.

So this is my 2nd post ever, and I feel like I'm being totally boring, but I don't actually expect someone to read this anyways, it's more for myself. To remind myself to keep on keepin' on.

I'll end this with a picture of the wrapper from my piece of Dove dark chocolate today. I so needed this:

(It says: If you fall down 7 times, get up 8.)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Jumpin on the bandwagon.....

Ok, well I told myself for the longest time that I was not going to start a weight loss blog. Partly because I am over half-way done with my weight loss journey, and partly because there are thousands of weight loss blogs already. Then I realized two really obvious things:

1. You are NEVER completely done with a weight loss journey – these mugs last a lifetime, so I will always have things to write about that are weight loss related. and,

2. The more the merrier when it comes to weight loss blogs. I love reading them and am always looking for new ones to read, so I figured maybe others are as well. And then I realized another thing – I don’t care if no one ever reads this (although I hope some people will), I need it as an outlet and to be accountable to myself. In the past 13 months, I have lost 63 pounds. And while that is great & amazing, I feel like I could have lost so much more.

I spent a good 3 or 4 months (mostly the summer), maintaining because I wasn’t making loss a priority. And then to add to that, the holidays officially kicked my ass. From Thanksgiving to New Year's Eve, I did basically nothing but eat. And drink. And lounge. And lounging is one of my favorite things to do. It doesn' t matter if I'm talking to a friend, watching TV, on the Internet, or reading, I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some loungin'. All of the holiday fun led to a 12 pound gain over the holidays. Pre-Thanksgiving I weighed 208, and now the scale is screaming 220! 220! 220! Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration. I have managed to lose 4 of those re-gained pounds, so I'm currently weighing in at 216. It's time to get my groove back. No more fad diets, no more biweekly dinners with drinks, appetizers, salads, main entrees, desserts and then popcorn and candy at the movies aftewards. I know how to do this. I did it for a solid 9 months in the beginning. I know all the rules, regulations, tricks, etc. I know how to be healthy, and although I'm halfway there, the recent blackslide has thrown me a loop. So no more loop. It's back to basics.

First goal: Obviously, get back down to my pre-holiday gain weight of 208. That's 8 lbs.

Let's get to gettin'.

And to officially end my very first post on my very first weight loss blog, I will leave you with this scenario, which may or may not actually have happened in my house last week:
Sunday I found a box of chocolate-dipped granola bars in the back of my cabinet. They seem to be the only remaining fattening food in my house, so I knew I had to take care of them ASAP, or else I would run the risk of eating 4 granola bars as an appetizer to my dinner.
So I unwrapped them, coated them in salsa, and threw them in the trashcan.
The statement that this makes about my lack of willpower is truly scary.

Totally true, but scary.