Sunday, February 21, 2010

Weekend/Random Thoughts

This weekend was slightly exhausting and not so much "healthy". I woke up this morning feeling like a truck hit me, and spent most of the day on the couch eating bread (albeit whole wheat) & cheese. Then I went to my parents' house and consumed one too many Girl Scout cookies. So all in all, not the best weekend weight-loss wise.

I haven't really talked about how I have/am losing the weight, but its pretty much the traditional way. Low calorie & exercise. I have never counted calories, but from what I can tell, I stay between 1100-1400 on a "good" day. As far as exercise, I have become a cardio junkie/gym rat/treadmill slave. I usually power walk/run for an hour each day, sometimes more if I'm feeling especially energetic. One of the things that I think is causing my inability to get back on track is the fact that I am totally burnt out on the treadmill. I have my own at home, which is great, but it can be stifling at times. Sometimes just thinking about going into that small room (I keep it in my home office), and getting on that machine with all that stagnant air is enough to make me want to bury myself under my couch cushions.

Because of this, I am trying to convince myself that not every workout has to be 60 minutes slaving away on that machine. Today it was a delicious 66 degrees outside (I live in SC, where February 21st is definitely the beginning of spring), and since I was feeling less than 100%, I convinced myself to take a power walk outside instead of puffing away on the treadmill. I walked at a pretty brisk pace for a good 50 minutes in the sunshine. I was sweating at the end. Yet somehow I feel like I can't give myself credit for working out today. I really have to get away from this mentality that if I don't get in an hour of treadmill time, then I really haven't had a good day activity-wise. I think maybe the solution to this is try new things. Tuesday I am going to my first kick boxing class, and I've heard from a friend who takes it that it is tough. I am looking forward to it, and am purposely not going to let myself get on the treadmill that day. An hour of kick boxing is more than enough to suffice for my exercise for the day, and I need to make myself believe that. This all-or-nothing approach that I have can be great when I am focused, but not so much when I need a little wiggle room. Hopefully it won't take me another 30 years to learn that lesson. Which leads me to the next random thing.....

Tuesday is my 30th birthday. I know, I KNOW. I thought I would be sad, and maybe a little disappointed when I reached 30, just because I (used to) feel like it is old. However, I have to say that I really kind of have an indifferent attitude about it. I would have never in a million years thought that I would reach the age of 30 and be not married & without children. Probably because my entire life (besides the weight issue) has been very traditional; I just assumed that like all good southern girls, I would be hitched by the age of 25, at least. However, saying that, I am okay with it. I know these things will come when they are supposed to, and right now, I am working on me. I don't know that I have the time or the desire to devote to forming a relationship right now. So that's that. I am happy to be 30 - I know many people who have tragically never made it to their 30th birthday. That in and of itself is enough to make me grateful for the milestone. The fact that I am at a lower weight than I have been ever in my adult life is just the icing on the birthday cake. I do have to say that I will be relieved when all the hoopla is over - I have parties, dinners out, dinners in, etc. scheduled all week, and I am concerned about what it may do my eating plan. Hopefully I will stop & think before shoving copious amounts of appetizers, alcohol, and cake into my mouth. We will see....

This is a photo taken of me last night at a charity auction that I attended. I am second from the right. The two ladies on the outside are my sisters, and my aunt is the one beside me.

(Is it weird to post random photos of yourself on your blog? I hope not, and if it is, I promise it's because there's a point to it.)

And that point is, that a year ago I would have looked at this photo and been thrilled to bits with it. I almost wouldn't have recognized myself. I lost a lot of weight in my face, and it makes all the difference. However, this morning I looked at it, and thought, "Meh....whatever". I wish I didn't feel that way. I wish I could more appreciate how far I've come. However, all I see is the shadow of a double chin, the crease in my neck, the chubbiness of my cheeks, and boobs that look like they need their own zip code. Not to mention the fact that this photo shows none of my body, and I'm wondering how I would feel about the picture if it did. I hate this part of the weight loss game; the mental is really what's killing me. Before I lost weight, I totally ignored the way I looked. I would see myself in pictures, looking really big, like maybe this one:

and just not think anything. I'm sure subconsciously I was thinking, "God, I look huge. Really need to do something about that.", but it never weighed on me (no pun intended), like it does now. It's almost as if I can't appreciate the differences, and the self sabotage is worse than ever. Saying that, I do know that I look pleasant enough in the picture, and that probably even if (WHEN) I get to my goal weight, I will always nit-pick myself in photos. Sometimes I just really wish I could look at a picture of myself, and remember what was going on at that time, and the fun memories associated with the photo, rather than how I look in it. I suppose that will come with time; I really hope that it does.

As I was spending one on one time with my couch today, I caught up on the stack of newspapers that I have been accumulating all week. I opened up a page, and this headline jumped out at me. It was from a Dear Heloise type column, and it totally had nothing to do with me or my kind of situation, but it jarred me. So I cut it out and taped it to my kitchen cabinets. Not because I feel like it will keep me from opening them (although that would be an added plus), but because it is a prominent place. I feel like I need to constantly remind myself to be careful with what I'm doing. To make sure I am vigilant about what I'm doing. And part of me feels like I focus on it too much. Like all the obsessing about what I'm eating and how much I'm moving makes it harder. But then part of me thinks, I really do need to be careful. The fact of the matter is that I gained 12 lbs. between Thanksgiving & New Year's. At one point in this journey, that would have made me a nut job. And it still does, on some days. I am scared to death that I won't re-lose those 12 lbs. or the additional probably 50 that I need to lose on top of that. That means I really need to lose as much as I've already lost. Which is so overwhelming some days. And I feel like I can't do it. However, I haven't given up, and I'm still making it a priority part of the time. I need to practice more positive thinking.

And last but not least, I leave you with this photo of my fireplace. I bought this poster about a year ago, and its apparently an old slogan that the British military used during their times of war. I have to look at this poster six times a day and just remind myself to "Keep Calm & Carry On". To not freak out about the little things (or the big things, like gaining 12 lbs.). To trust myself & know that I have learned more about myself in the past year than I ever knew before. To believe that I WILL lose the rest of this weight and be healthy. To Keep on Keepin' On, no matter what.

Whew, that was a long one. I guess maybe this whole 30th birthday thing has got me feeling a little nostalgic and philosophical. Maybe I should stay away from the keyboard until it's over. At any rate, if you've read this far, bless you!


  1. People love pics in blogs-the more the merrier-wow you really have lost weight and look great by the way-I too feel that way about exercise and had to do a lot of mental rehearshing to get out of that mind set-I also thought by my age 32 I would be married like 8 years and have a couple of kids but am truly happy the way life is falling into place~

  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Honestly I feel like anything you do outside of laying on the couch, whether that be walking outside, cleaning house, or running on the treadmill, at least you are up and doing something. Feel good to call even the little bursts of energy exercise. It will all add up! Oh and by the way as a fellow blogger, we love pics! :) Sometimes I feel like I need to add a pic just because I can.